permission to belong
Awwww yeah, hello there, sweet friend!
Today, I want to dive into the topic of belonging. Belonging, basically, means to fit in. Belonging seems very black and white. You either belong here or you don’t. There’s not a lot of room for gray or middle ground.
And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to belong. In fact, God created us for relationships. But many of us, myself topping the list, go about belonging in the wrong way because, somewhere along the line, we didn’t feel like we had permission to be ourselves, so we gave up on that and began working our way into groups and settings where some version of ourselves fit in. We got the order of belonging backwards.
And that’s what I want to talk about today – how, in order to really really become who we were created to be, and find our place in this world, we really need to begin with internal and eternal belonging before we move on to the external.
Our natural tendency is to start with this external belonging. As adults, we’d like to think that we’re past the whole “I just want to fit in.” That seems elementary or high-schoolish or something. But here we are, buying things we can’t afford or saying things we might not necessarily agree with, just to prove to someone else that we belong in their presence.
So we start with external belonging, fill our lives with relationships, and then begin to internalize the belonging. Because I belong here or there, then that must mean XYZ about me. That moms group thinks I’m cool and have myself together, so I must be doing ok – I must be a pretty good mom. And then, if we’re so eternally inclined, we bring that belonging to God and say “hey God! Look! I’m actually fitting in over here – they like me, and I’m starting to like me too, so just checking – do you still like me?” OR, I fit in at work now, and I got a promotion, so now God, have I done enough to earn your favor and belonging?
Now, many of us don’t say it like that, but if you stop for a minute, I think you’ll find that it’s true. We seek validation, acceptance, victory, identity, and belonging externally, internalize it, and then bring it to God as some kind of trophy, proving that, at least for today, we’re worthy of eternal belonging.
Wrong-o.
Kris Valloton, an author and pastor, says that in order to lead authentic, shame-free, restful, powerful lives we need to be, “Working from love rather than for love. Working from acceptance rather than for acceptance. Working from approval rather than working for approval. Working from identity rather than for a destiny.”
And if that quote right there doesn’t turn our current reality and idea of belonging on its head, then I don’t know what does. Let’s unpack this a bit to see how it shows up in our external, internal, and eternal belonging.
Working from love rather than for love. Working for love (is anyone guilty of that?!) is external. I’m going to do this and this and this so that you’ll love me. Backwards belonging. From love is beginning with eternal belonging. Believing the truth that no less than a million scriptures tell you about God’s vast love for you. What would it look like for you to approach your internal and external belonging FROM LOVE?!
I think it would look a lot like believing God when He calls you loved, chosen, forgiven, free, secure, held, equipped, uniquely and perfectly created. And then we would take that deep knowledge of our worthiness into our external relationships – fully loved! And begin overflowing with that love to show others the magnitude of God’s love for them! When we approach belonging FROM LOVE instead of FOR LOVE, oh my gosh, our relationships would shift dramatically.
Same with acceptance. There’s nothing that can compare with the belonging and acceptance you have within the family of God! Absolutely nothing! What would it look like, then, to enter our relationships already accepted? You know what it would look like for me?
I would stop worrying so much about what I’m wearing. I’m accepted and called and chosen by the King of the Universe, I can wear whatever I want to to this party. I would stop worrying so much about how I look when I’m doing things – am I walking ok with these heels on? Do I look stupid lifting these weights? That’s backwards!
Showing up FROM approval, instead of FOR approval. Holy smokes. That’s a big one. We’ve all got those people that we tiptoe around hoping for approval, or we start exaggerating or bragging or puffing up a bit for their approval. I had a working relationship like that once upon a time, and to break that, I literally would stop before heading into the office and say, “I’m fully approved by my Heavenly Father. His opinion of me is the only one that matters. I have nothing to prove and no one to please.” It didn’t ever go perfectly for me, but it helped to try to keep that eternal belonging in perspective.
Coming at external belonging FROM identity rather than for a destiny. You get your identity from the God who created you! Your identity is perfect. Who you are is incredible. Your belonging, and permission to belong, comes from your identity as a Daughter of the King. You are not a mistake. You are a masterpiece.
And because of that deeply anchored eternal belonging, and your intimate internal belonging, you have permission to belong out there – in a world that needs the light that you shine. Because of your secured identity and purchased freedom, you have permission to show up as your most authentic, vulnerable self, because that’s what God has called you to do. All you need to do is show up and let God do the rest. Let your supernatural presence give other people permission to be themselves. Which is freaking awesome.
If you wanna talk about this more, let’s! Chat with me on Instagram and Facebook or email me directly at lisa@lisagraft.com. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! What struggles are you facing right now with belonging?
xoxo,
Lisa
P.S. If you’re more of a listener/watcher than a reader, first, thanks for at least scrolling to the bottom of the page, and second, Jen and I have this very conversation in our latest podcast episode! Listen, watch, share, discuss.